We all have rules, rules that dictate how we live, whether we feel successful or unsuccessful, happy or miserable, love or hate and everything in between.
To have true happiness your rules must be equal to, or match, your life conditions.
During one of our coaching session my client said that her husband felt like their lives were a failure. Just the night before he had said to her “I thought I’d be successful by this stage in my life. But here we are failures.” She was shocked. I wasn’t surprised. I asked if she felt like a failure. She said, “absolutely not”. I said “why is that?” She said “because we have a great marriage, a beautiful little home, two wonderful pet children, we both make a great living.” I said “Exactly”. I wish you could have seen the quizzical look on her face. She responded with what I expected. “What do you mean exactly?” I put it as simply as I could. “Your definition, your expectation, your rule of what success looks like is completely different. It doesn’t mean that either of you are right or wrong. It just means that one of you is going to have to change their rule or their life condition.” It was one of those great break-through moments in coaching.”
What are your rules? If your rule is that to be beautiful you must have a certain body weight, always be dressed and have full make-up on and your hair must be exactly right, any day that one of those things are even slightly off you will be upset, frustrated, and possibly even angry. You may still be beautiful, but your rules say that you aren’t.
Rules are created from the time we are born. They are passed down from generation, learned from various things we experience in life, and formed while we don’t even realize it.
If your experience growing up was for your father, and only your father, to sit at the head of the table, in his specific seat, then more than likely you’ve created a rule that says that either says I’m the father and fathers always sit at the head of the table (and you do) or I’m never going to be as demanding and ridged as my dad. I’m going to let my family eat where ever they want to (and you do). Again, it doesn’t mean either rule is right or wrong. It just means that internally you will either create joy or sorrow and pain based on your rules.
What if you created the first rule and someone sits in your seat? What does breaking that rule mean to you? It’s another rule. You may have a rule that says, “that’s disrespectful!” So, look out when someone has a different rule that you! Because someone you dine with may have a rule that says, “pick a seat and make yourself at home” so that’s what they do at your house, at your dinner table, in your seat. According to your rule they are in your seat and that’s disrespectful! Let the anger frustration and arguments commence!
If you want to live a meaningful and extraordinary life you have four choices when it comes to your rules. However, only three of them will allow you to live that meaningful and extraordinary life. The first will give you a lifetime of frustration, disappointment, and discontent.
You can decide to keep that rule and continue to be frustrated, upset, angry or miserable when someone or even you break that rule.
Yes, we often break our own rules. We would venture to say that most people have a rule that says they must never lie or always tell the truth. Yet, those same people tell their children about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. They call their bosses and take a sick day when they just really need a break, and they’re not sick at all.
You may need to have exceptions to your rule. If your rule is that you must be at work 15 minutes early every day to be successful. You may want to add an exception to allow for days when it’s not possible to be there 15 early. It may be something like this. I must be 15 minutes early every day to be successful at work except when I must take my child to the doctor or when the weather conditions are unsafe. If you had a hard fast “I must be at work 15 minutes early in order to be successful” every time you have to go to work late because of a sick child or poor weather you’re probably going to feel guilty, disappointed, unsuccessful, and possibly even wreck trying to get there early in poor weather. There are times where exceptions can lead to a happier life.
You can change your rule. If your rule is that all fathers must sit at the head of the table. You can change your rule and think “is which chair I sit at truly of importance in being a good father to my children?” If your answer is no. Change your rule.
You can change your life condition. Maybe you have a rule that in order to have a good relationship you must eat dinner together every evening at the table. But you often find yourself ordering take out and eating on the couch because you’ve worked a long day and you just want to relax. You are breaking your own rule. You probably don’t even realize it. What you probably do feel is frustration and certainly not fulfilled in your relationship. So, you can chose option two and change your rule and say “You know what? We talk five times a day. We spend lots of time communicating and sharing about our day as we get ready for bed each night. It’s okay if we eat takeout on the couch. We love each other.”
The only other option for true happiness is to change your life condition. If your current life condition is grabbing take out and eating on the couch, which doesn’t match your rule, and you’re not willing to change your rule you must change the life condition that breaks the rule. In this case you must eat dinner at the table every night with your spouse. At that point your rule matches your life condition and happiness follows.
Just remember, your rules are absolutely 100% yours. While they may have been handed down or generated from experience you determine what your rules are.
Do you want to find out what your rules are? Here’s what your going to do right now.
Write down one thing in your life that you’re not happy with. Maybe it’s your job. It might be your relationship. It could be your physical appearance. Whatever it is write it down. Go ahead. Write it down now.
Now, write down why it is that you’re not happy in that area of your life. Before you read any further you must write down why.
Now that you’ve written down why you’re unhappy with this area, look at it again. That why is your rule. If you wrote “I’m not happy with my finances”. And your why was because you should have more money saved at this age. You’ve discovered your rule. Your rule says you should have x amount of dollars by this age (or whatever financial success looks like to you). It’s your rule. Some people have a rule that says “if we have a roof over our head, food in our mouths, and clothes on our back we are financially successful. Others have a rule that says, “Unless we have $250,000.00 in our emergency fund we are not prepared or successful.” It’s your rule. What will you do to be happy? Will you change your rule or change your life condition?
Now write down an area in your life that you’re happy with. You know the drill. Now write why. There’s another rule.
Continue to do this with every area of your life that you’re either happy or not happy with. Discover your rules. Then decide to change to rule, make a few exceptions to the rule, or change your life condition.
What happens when two people have different rules? It’s bound to happen. We are all unique creatures. And we all have to coexist in one world, maybe even in one home.
Here’s the great news about rules. Once you figure out that people aren’t right or wrong, it’s just that we have different rules. It suddenly becomes a moot point to argue over who’s right or wrong. You can simply say we have different rules. How do we change our rules, make exceptions, or change our life condition?
I encourage you to sit with your spouse, your children, your boss, your employees, and your friends. Find out what their rules are. Discover the power of your rules, how they differ, and how you can help each other live a meaningful and extraordinary life!